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November 24, 2011

I’ve deactivated my facebook account which takes me even further away from everyone. I read Karen’s blog post, but all I could do was sob. I don’t even know why I’m writing now except I feel some twisted responsibility to let people know I’m not disappearing because I feel you all are insignificant. I’m disappearing because I feel so insignificant. And it stems from the present as much as the past, and it all just came colliding together so quickly… I didn’t… I couldn’t duck. Or protect myself from the onslaught of wounds that would open up and pour out.

Cryptic, but it’s not cryptic. It’s… I am so tired. I am so not ok. I have never been ok. I have faked ok. And the dam has broken. I want to be stronger than this, like one of those people who experience real, heartwrenching pain and pick themselves up and move on. But I’ve been picking myself up and moving on for so long, that I have no more strength to pick up the crumbling pieces of me.

I spent my early 20s in and out of mental hospitals because I always wanted to escape me and save the world from my toxicity. Whether I cracked, and was papered unwillingly, or I recognized the cracks and sought help voluntarily (which were … ok, that never happened.) It was always unwillingly. But all that does is buys you time. It buys you time to trick yourself into believing that the chronic cancer in your mind will be defeated, until the next flare up which is always worse than the one before.

And it’s stupid. So, so stupid that the mind cannot overcome the heart, and the heart can break the mind. But that’s where I am. My heart is aching. It is aching so deeply that I have been in constant prayer for it just to beat itself still. And yet, it beats. This fucking heart continues to beat, and I need it to stop. Because it hurts so much. And I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I feel this way, but I do.

I’ve grown though. Years ago, I would have hung myself with a rope. That’s an ugly situation. And can cause a lot of problems. And I survived it. I survived. And I have been angry about that every day since because I put perfect planning into it, where it should have been successful. Believe me, I was completely alone and felt confident no one would stumble upon me. But they did. And what I remember most is the snot covering my face from the sobbing before I had the courage to step off the wooden box. The next thing I remember was being in the hospital. For a long, long duration. But see, I’ve grown. Because I am fighting the urge to do something so profoundly permanent.

But this aching… this aching that causes someone to scream out and hyperventilate, and sob… these sounds that always catch me off guard because it is me. I need respite from the crippling sorrow. I am so tired. And so, so defeated. And ashamed. And I want my heart to beat itself still.

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10 Comments
  1. Hey, do you have my email address? If you need to talk, about anything, you can. I won’t get bossy and tell you what to do, I’ll just listen. It sounds like you’re going through a lot and if there’s anything I can do, please let me know.

  2. Karen permalink

    Empty.

  3. Karen permalink

    Ah, by which I mean, the word “empathy” contains the word “empty”.

    That’s all I have.

  4. Karen permalink

    Okay, well, maybe some llamas.

  5. All I could find myself wanting to say is that if Brad were here, he would know what to say to make this better… at least a little bit. But he isn’t here, and I still miss him, but I am still here. I don’t know what to say other than I know it will get better. Somehow, your pain will lessen and you will move on. I am not there yet, but maybe we can get there together?

    You know where I am… Don’t let us lose you Cara. Please? I don’t know if I could handle that.

  6. i love you guys. really.

  7. I don’t know what to say. I’m late seeing this. But I’m here, and I love ya. If you need respite, I’ve got a guest bedroom with your name written all over it. I’m serious, if you ever need a break from life, you’re totally welcome to come hide out here. Don’t do something crazy when you’ve got a heap of friends around you who will drop the world to help you.

  8. Cara, I hate that I haven’t been keeping up with everyone’s blogs like I should have and it’s making me a terrible friend because I just plain don’t know what’s going on anymore. I’m so self-involved, it’s crazy. I truly apologize. So I hope you get this.

    Please, please, please call me. Do you still have my number?? I need you. I really, really need you. I miss you. I don’t like this post and I’m scared. And I’m probably being stupid, but I’m going to be selfish and demand that you contact me because I don’t know how to contact you and like I said… I NEED you.

  9. I’m late seeing this too – and feel much like Sariah – I hate that I haven’t been keeping up with the blogs like I should. We all love you Cara and need you and your absence would leave a gaping hole in all of our lives. Like the others, I’m here, if you just need some one to talk to, anything.

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