I’ve been thinking hard about this. For a long, long time. But I am going to retire my online presence. It began with facebook, and honestly, that has been such a relief that I was not expecting. I will still read the blogs of those I have been reading all along, and will likely respond at times with this account. However, I am no longer wanting to write “publicly”. I’ve learned a lot of things these last few years about myself, and one is… that my words are better kept to myself unless specifically asked something. And even then, I will choose them more wisely than I have in the past. As for sharing my thoughts, and life… struggles and triumphs, there is plenty of that in the great sea of the internet. Mine adds nothing important.
I am not angry, or sad. I am just changing. 🙂
My world feels a lot more smaller. I feel a lot more protective of those in it. And I feel a lot more protective of myself. I realize I cannot make sense of something I don’t understand, and there is no reason to try.
I have decided to use this summer as a renewal of self. My impact is so minute on the world around me, but what I do with my time, and my mind, and my heart… on a self level, that is important, too. I don’t know yet what this renewal will involve. I only know that it is something I must do.
Thought shift. If ever you decide to delete your facebook, I want you to know that it is not an easy process. They make it difficult to find the deletion link (the deactivation link is handy, but the actual deletion link is not), and they urge you to rethink your mood by bringing in a few of your good friends. They literally pop up pictures of those you interact most with and say, “So and so will miss you!” Like deleting your facebook is the sole link to communication. Luckily for me, [random name] was supposedly going to miss me, so the choice was easy. But even that is not enough. Oh no, next they make you type in your password again, and just incase you are a super lucky password guessin’ bot, you have to decipher one of the most hazy captchas I’ve ever seen. And guess what? You STILL aren’t deleted. You are deactivated. (And word on the streets is my account has been intermittently available today) but you have to wait a full 14 days before your account will actually be removed. Fourteen days! Because in 14 days, I might suddenly lose my cellphone, homephone, emails, megaphone, tin cans and smoke signals and be forced to reactivate my account so that I can communicate. Thanks facebook for looking out for me. I guess.
So, I didn’t think about what message it would send to disable my facebook. I guess with recent history, I should have thought that out better.
To be clear, I am good. So, no fretting.
I’m going to tell you the truth. When you choose death, people don’t trust you when you, again, choose life. And it’s ok. I understand. But every decision I make is scrutinized. Can I handle the pressure? What if it doesn’t work out? DON’T DERAIL YOUR PROGRESS!
I smile, and say I’ve thought it through. And I have. I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time. And that hope doesn’t depend on someone else. It depends on me. A certain clarity comes to you when you face the darkness, dive in, and the other side is unveiled. You want to live. You really want to live.
I am alive. Someday, I won’t have to keep proving it. 😉